This stops it spiralling out of control. If a woman and man are arguing about the fact she feels he ignored her at last night's party, then suddenly she brings up the time in when he was late to her friend's wedding, then he reminds her of the way she insulted him in front of colleagues back in , and so on, we have the equivalent of a minor border skirmish turning into an all-out nuclear war.
Constantly going back to stuff someone 'did wrong' weeks, months, or years before is toxic. What's done is done. My couples found arguments grew shorter because they had less ammunition to fire at one another when they stopped time travelling. So agree to argue only about stuff that happened within the previous week - period. Here's what happens: Two people are having a heated argument. One person goes into another room to 'cool off'. After ten minutes, they feel calmer. So they go back into the same space as the person they'd been arguing with - but what happens?
Even though both parties felt calmer, suddenly they are back fighting again. Feeling calmer and being calmer can be two different things. It takes 30 minutes or so to calm down physiologically after a row - so give it more time. And during the cool-off time, refrain from rehearsing in your head all the things you want to say to 'set them straight'. Instead, think cooling thoughts and remember times when you were getting along better with this person.
Argumentative people tend to take things personally, even when they certainly weren't intended that way. This leads to a breakdown in communication. If someone is very critical then either they have never learned a better way of communicating or they are so angry that they are over-generalizing out of control. Either way, it's their problem. Practice taking time in your mind before you respond to people.
Count to 10 and ask yourself, "How can I respond to this calmly, rising above it? Know when to button it, too. Contrary to popular thinking, being totally 'honest' by voicing every thought, always 'having everything out in the open', can be disastrous. Couples who have happily been together for decades have learned what not to talk about 3. Learn to keep quiet about such things if you know someone gets upset when you criticize their mother or talk about how you passed your driving test at the first attempt and they didn't.
If you know where the minefield is, steer clear. Here's something else to keep in mind: Research has shown that people who are able to apologize are more likely to be married and stay married than those who can never say, "Sorry. Knowing how to defuse arguments through humour is a great skill. Alone, we easily fall into lazy thinking and gather arguments to reinforce our assumptions. Only by setting yourself the challenge of convincing others, of finding the weaknesses in their arguments, and letting them seek out the faults in your arguments, can you test out ideas.
It does not have to be mean. You can do it with empathy, compassion and kindness. To comment on this story or anything else you have seen on BBC Capital, please head over to our Facebook page or message us on Twitter. If you liked this story, sign up for the weekly bbc. Why becoming more argumentative will make you smarter. Share using Email. Argumentative personalities could stem from a wide range of factors including:.
People who are curious about others are often better listeners and able to debate a topic without aggression. People with argumentative personalities are usually self-absorbed. Their favorite phrases are:. They often have little insight into their own behavior and how it impacts others. While spending time with an argumentative person can be exceptionally frustrating and exhausting, you may also find that you develop your skills to stand up for yourself and articulate your thoughts clearly and logically.
First, in many cases, argumentative personalities stem from insecurity and their defensive communications may stem from their perception that they need to defend themselves.
You may find that you are more patient and empathetic to argumentative people and their immature communication methods when you realize that their nature stems from insecurity and fears. You can also reduce the risk of arguments by changing the way you make requests or ask questions.
The argumentative person in your life may perceive these phrases as criticism or even bait for a fight. Remind yourself that their argumentative nature is usually a learned behavior that can change with support and practice. You can talk to the licensed counselors at North Brooklyn Therapy about how to improve your communication skills and support your partner.
The team can also provide customized therapy such as cognitive behavioral therapy CBT , to help your partner learn to recognize and modify their negative thoughts and behaviors. However, you can take a few steps to slow your arguments without giving in or withdrawing from the conversation.
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