Not only did he have the skills to manipulate and silence me, but this doctor also left me feeling shame and self-doubt that I still experience years later. This is how I view manipulation. Many I have encountered without EUPD have manipulated and gaslit me into shame, disgust, self-loathing, and more.
I have seen this happen many times to others, too. Those with EUPD may sometimes make others feel this way, but we rarely have the skills to be manipulative. We often need support from others to recognise thinking errors, after sometimes believing them for years.
Being accused of acting manipulative is untrue, frustrating, and disempowering. There is no blanket rule. Not everyone with EUPD is innocent here, and most without it are not manipulative.
But this is how I see things. This is my experience — denying that would be ridiculous. Current preferences. Third Party Cookies.
This site is intended for healthcare professionals. It is an endless cycle of wanting to be loved but being absolutely terrified that a person will abandon you. I have been left out and let down a lot in life, so I used to exhibit those behaviors in an attempt to make someone prove how much I meant to them. So what can someone with BPD do to get their needs met in a constructive and effective way? Foreman told The Mighty. The unfortunate irony here is when someone with BPD consistently engages in disordered behaviors to get validation in their interpersonal relationships, they are more at risk for being rejected and abandoned by their loved ones — something many with people with BPD fear most.
Luckily, there are concrete skills you can develop to combat disordered impulses meant to get your emotional needs met. There are three skills in particular Dr. Foreman recommends based on the teachings of dialectical behavior therapy DBT , a therapeutic model developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan specifically for BPD. These three interpersonal effectiveness tools focus on teaching people with BPD how to get what they want, how to maintain their relationships and how to prioritize self-respect in their interactions with others.
By learning and using these skills, Dr. Here are her three tips for having successful interpersonal relationships and getting your needs met:. Foreman describes it in this way:. Check out the graphic below to easily see how each letter is defined. To illustrate how to use this skill, Dr. Foreman shared about a time she herself used D. After a mental health training on DBT skills no less , s he had gone out to dinner with some colleagues and the restaurant they were eating at had a policy of not doing separate checks for groups.
Unfortunately in order to get her meal reimbursed later, Dr. Instead, I could say, "I hurt right now, and it would comfort me to know that you care. I feel cared for when you ask me how I'm doing. I am willing to speak up more, and be honest about my feelings. Would you be willing to ask more often how I am doing?
This example is tough, I know. As with the other examples, I recommend being as vulnerable as you are able, and honestly state your emotions. Then make an honest request. I might say, "I hurt so badly right now, and I feel overwhelmed and alone. Do you have some time that you could spend with me in the next few days? I would also be specific as to what you want to do during that time. Maybe talking on the phone or texting would work.
Maybe you really need to be touched, so you might ask for a back rub. Perhaps you need distraction, and going to the movies together would help. Be specific. Honesty can feel vulnerable and scary sometimes. Practice telling the truth about what you feel with a loved one. Make specific requests, instead of manipulative comments.
Always remember, when you make a request of someone, that person has the option of saying "yes" or "no. Honesty versus manipulation in borderline personality disorder may be a lifelong lesson for me, and I assume it is something that most everyone struggles with from time to time. Hang in there, everyone. We can do this. Borderline Personality Disorder, Manipulation vs. Honesty, HealthyPlace. I think my mother may have BPD. She has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
She gets angry really fast and I feel like anything I say hurts her feelings. She gets her feelings hurt over silly stuff. I need some advice from someone with BPD. Please help me understand. Thanks for taking such a sympathetic approach to this issue. A lot of people seem to misconstrue borderline behavior as monstrous, malicious or intentionally manipulative, but a lot of time it's either learned behavior, unconscious, or both.
It's easy to vilify someone with BPD, but I think it's important to recognize WHY that manipulative streak can emerge: it's because we are too afraid of being shut down to be honest and vulnerable. We do not feel secure or safe enough in a relationship to express our feelings frankly, so we're constantly hurting and too afraid to say it or ask for help.
We lay down "tests" to find out if people are safe enough for us to be honest with, and when they inevitably fail, we assume they don't love us and wouldn't be receptive to us asking for help.
And that's actually rarely the case. And so much of that pain would disappear if we could truly see the love people have for us and that they really do want to help, that they'll totally come over and help clean!
They'll totally hang out sometime next week; they'll totally give you the reassurance you ask for. It took a lot of therapy and support to see it, but the fact that so many people don't breaks my heart.
And the fact we're called evil for it breaks my heart worse. Clinical usage of the term varies widely but clearly carries a pejorative meaning. Furthermore, behaviors that look similar to those called manipulative in clinical contexts are not called manipulative in broader society.
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