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Select personalised ads. Apply market research to generate audience insights. Measure content performance. Develop and improve products. List of Partners vendors. Sometimes the addition of kids can lead to marriage problems you may not have expected.
It's a common experience: You had a wonderfully romantic relationship —then you add kids to the mix and everything's a little more stressful, less romantic, and less satisfying. Adding children to the mix will bring a couple closer together, but not always in the ways you might expect. While marriage problems can be common after kids are born, there are steps you can take to protect your relationship.
The hard truth is that a large proportion of people find that children create a significant amount of stress in their relationship, particularly when the kids are young. There is also a decrease in relationship satisfaction following the birth of the first child.
This dip in happiness doesn't go away until after children leave the nest, and by that time, many couples have divorced or drifted apart. Here are some more specifics:. There are many factors that go into this dip in satisfaction, and they are not the same for everyone. However, certain stressors are particularly taxing on a relationship and an individual. The following stressors are particularly challenging. Because of the intensive caretaking required and the fact that any alone time that occurs during the baby's waking hours requires the use of a sitter, couples naturally find themselves with less time to spend together.
They usually have less energy to devote to one another when they do find the time as well. When couples have a child, they are often surprised by the amount of work it takes to raise a baby, and the toddler years are labor-intensive as well. This can obviously take a toll on the connection they feel as they're less free to spontaneously have fun, or enjoy leisurely days together, even on the weekends.
Having kids often means that parents have less time to spend on themselves. This can mean less time for things like travel and hobbies, but also for basic self-care including fitness and relaxation. When parents have too little sleep and too little time to take care of their own needs as often happens with a new baby or a high-needs toddler , they can become more stressed and difficult to be around.
When one or both partners are not functioning at their best, particularly if this lasts for a prolonged amount of time, it can take a toll on the relationship. When a child enters the relationship, couples need to divide up responsibilities in caretaking, even if both agree that the bulk of the work should fall on the shoulders of one parent while the other focuses more on earning money.
This can lead to a feeling that the couple is more of a functional partnership than a romantic partnership as couples begin to feel a little more like roommates than soulmates. Because of these additional demands and the negotiation that's needed, there's a greater chance of conflict.
Additionally, when partners have different responsibilities, it's possible for one or the other to feel resentful if they feel they're working harder; without a frame of reference for what the other partner is dealing with, it's easier for new parents to feel that they should be handling things differently and feel frustrated as a result.
Not everyone experiences the following challenges, but they can put a particular strain on a family. These are special circumstances that create significant additional stress:.
Children reduce the likelihood of divorce: While new parents may feel less happy, they are also less likely to divorce following children. If you feel hurt or misunderstood, or you and your husband are struggling over but not resolving issues, that affects how attracted, nurturing, and ready to have sex you'll be.
The frequency of lovemaking declines during the early months of parenthood when mothers especially are exhausted, but we find that most couples' sex lives rebound within two years. During that time, though, some partners may not initiate even snuggling or touching for fear that it will give the message that they're ready to have sex when they aren't. We advise couples to be perfectly clear: "I'm not sure how much energy I have tonight, but I'd love to hold you for a few minutes.
Many new mothers talk about feeling unattractive postpartum. But while a few men find it hard to see their wives as sexual after having children, most husbands are supportive about their wives' appearance. Q: What role does the relationship spouses had with their parents have in a marriage?
CPC: It helps if partners understand how each other's family history is being played out in the marriage, which is another reason why couples' groups are so effective. For instance, a common struggle among new parents is whether to let their baby cry it out at night. If you pick up a baby all the time, she'll come to expect that, the father might say. But, the mother argues, a baby needs to be held to feel secure and know we are here for her. In the group, the couple would explore why they feel so emotional about their view.
Maybe the mom is compensating for what she didn't get as a child from her own parents. Once she and her husband realize why this particular issue is so touchy, it's easier for them to be sympathetic and find a solution they're both comfortable with.
PC: Work on issues with your partner when you're calm -- not at 2 a. Often after couples have had a fight, they're reluctant to bring up the issue again. But if you don't, it can linger and resentment can build.
If you argue in front of your kids, tell them later that you worked out your disagreement or show them that you did by calming yourselves down in front of them. Make time for the relationship.
You may not be able to afford a sitter or be ready to leave your baby, but you can check in with each other for at least 10 minutes every day. That can be done after you put the kids to bed or even on the phone while you're both at work, as long as you're sharing what happened to you that day and how it's affecting you emotionally.
The pace of life today is so frenetic that few couples do this. But marriages are capable of change, and small changes can make big differences.
Q: In your research, you've found that being in couples groups with trained leaders also helps children. Why do you think that is? CPC: We enrolled 66 of the couples in our second study in couples groups for four months. One half were in groups that focused more on the parent-child relationship, while the other were in groups that stressed the marital relationship. We conducted interviews with parents, observed the family interacting, asked teachers to fill out questionnaires about the couples' children, and gave the students achievement tests.
Those whose parents had been in groups of either type were doing better academically and having fewer behavioral and emotional difficulties than the children whose parents received no support. This was true even six years later. PC: Interestingly, couples in both kinds of couples groups had become more responsive parents -- warmer and more skilled at setting realistic limits for their kids. But only the parents who were in the marriage-focused groups had developed more satisfying marriages.
That tells us that if parents improve their relationship, they will not only improve the marriage but also become more effective parents.
But, in terms of how kids affect marriage, the negative studies outnumber the positive. The adjustment to parenthood can be even more difficult for black couples, a study concluded. In general, however, people are less romantic with each other after becoming parents, another study found, and researchers noted in a paper that despite persistent perceptions that childlessness leads to lonely, meaningless, and unfulfilled lives, most studies suggest child-free people are happier.
In their longitudinal study of first-time parents, University of California, Berkeley, researchers Philip A. Researchers had parents fill out questionnaires about their expectations about parenthood and then followed up with the same questions three and six months postpartum. Parents who reported the largest gap between their pre-baby expectations and the realities about parenthood were the least happy.
Mismatched expectations are a plausible contributor to why having children statistically tends to lead to marital dissatisfaction. Doss, Ph. They also have to navigate new challenges, decisions, and stressors.
Sixty percent said they were less confident they could work through their problems, and many reported lower levels of dedication to their relationships long term. Couples said they also experienced more negative communication and more problems in the relationship after having children. Relationship researcher Matthew D. Johnson , Ph. The strain on a relationship can increase along with the learning curve for new parents. An incredible amount of focus is required to parent, Johnson says, particularly when parenthood is a completely new experience.
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